I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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