At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
