i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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