I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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