Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
