dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
