i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
