I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
