my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
