Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
