I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
