rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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