new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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