I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
