Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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