He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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