I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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