Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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