maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
