I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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