i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
