wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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