Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
