new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
