Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
