it hurts more in the daytime
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
