ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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