wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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