I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
