accomplished twins. life is a go
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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