someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
