Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
