I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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