the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
