I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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