Four minutes until I can fart!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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