Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
