You just made me feel so damn special
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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