thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
