she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
There are leaves in my underwear?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
