I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
