this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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