I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
don't judge my taste in strippers
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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