Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
