I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
