ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
my poor anus
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
