'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
