Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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