My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
