Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
