Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
