im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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