i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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