I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
