Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Did we literally take a cab across the street
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
