Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This is the high leading the old right now
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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