dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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